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(Parental advisory notice: This post contains swear words and photos of people who should probably put more clothing on… if those sorts of things offend you, now would be a good time to head on out and come back next week for more family friendly travel tales.)
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Recently, as I was scrolling through Instagram, I checked out the hashtag “RVLiving.”
Also, recently, I asked Kevin whether he thought I’d be able to start a website called www.quityourbullshit.com
These two facts are not unrelated.
You see, as often as I find myself singing the praises of Instagram for leading us to some of our closest friends and introducing us to hundreds of places we never would have known about otherwise, I also find plenty of reasons to roll my eyes hard and exclaim, you guessed it,”Quit your bullshit!”
Truthfully, there are a handful of accounts that account for the majority of the B.S., but these accounts are so omnipresent, and so bursting at the seams with ridiculousness, that they kinda take over the whole place. And god bless em, they’re probably rolling in sponsorships and making tons of money, but this stuff is absurd and needs to be called out, lest normal people start thinking any of it has anything to do with reality.
Let’s be a little more specific, shall we?
What Mornings Look Like
If you’re on Instagram, and you’re following the right folks, you might be left with the impression that living in an RV means waking up on a gorgeous beach, looking lovingly at your model-perfect partner, and enjoying the company of your well behaved dogs while you give voice to all aspects of your blissful life:
For us, waking up often means rolling over in our dim, cave-like bedroom to find a 70 pound German Shepherd sleeping upside down and backwards, his head cocked to the side, and his legs spread wide open, taking up the whole middle of the bed between us.
And, as we consider the fact that we are, literally, face to face with our dog’s butt, we silently plot our strategies to avoid being the one who gets stuck taking him out for his morning “poop-quest.”
Remember how at the end of Lord of the Rings, Frodo and his friends are at Mordor and they’re like right there but the movie just keeps going and going and going and going and you’re like “Oh my god, is this friggen movie ever gonna end?” but the answer is clearly “no” because 14 hours later they’re still screwing around at the damned mountain and you’re like, “Could you just move this along?” but obviously that’s never going to happen because if the movie was ever going to end, it would have ended by now, and apparently what you’ve somehow signed up for is the Never Ending Story – but not the cool one – and pretty soon you’re just hoping for the sweet, sweet release of death, but that’s not gonna happen either so you just soldier on?
Taking Thor out to poop in the morning is a bit like that.
It’s a sort of unholy combination of an enjoyable meander with man’s best friend and the Bataan Death March.
Just like the ring can only be destroyed in one mountain (after an enormous amount of conversation), there is only one location good enough to be the landing zone for Thor’s crap, and if he can’t find it, you’re in for a long day.
So, anyway, waking up in the morning can be pretty blissful for sure, but maybe not “Hashtag Vanlife” blissful.
Hashtag Vanlife!!!!
While we’re on the subject, let’s talk about this affinity for sexy vanlife goals. If you’re wondering why all these accounts look the way they do, look no further than these two photos from the same account:
First, we have an adorable dog with a piece of kale on his head (and a not-at-all intentionally placed Hydroflask brand red cup in the background because this is real life, yo!)
Anyway, what could be better than an adorable dog with a piece of kale on his head? Nothing. Nothing is better than that.
And what do you know? Almost 2,000 people agree! Dog with kale on his head = Two thousand likes! Great!
But, let’s continue. What have we here? Another post from the very same account:
Super hot girl in a barely there bikini standing on top of a van while staring thoughtfully at the ocean, her Point Break boyfriend rinsing the salt water off his wet-suit after a morning of catching waves and being awesome. Who took the picture? We don’t even know!! It’s so natural and unprompted, it must be a higher power that captured this totally real moment in the totally real life of totally real van dwellers!! Totally.
Anyway…. 8,000 likes.
Really? 8,000 likes for the staged bikini butt but only 2,000 likes for the adorable puppy with kale on his head?
Really, internet?
Really????
Come on!! We can do better.
Let’s go inside, shall we?
Never Miss a Moment
According to Instagram, when you live in an RV, magical Christmas lights hang down from the middle of your ceiling – because that makes sense – providing romantic illumination to those tender moments between you and your partner. Luckily, the photographer who apparently lives with you and spends all his time memorializing these totally unstaged scenes is right there to capture the perfectly Instagrammable moment.
In our world, while it sorda seems like we have a third roommate always keeping watch for special moments, he’s more likely looking for those special moments when he jams his head under the bathroom door.
His whole head….
Fortunately, he hasn’t figured out how to post pictures to Instagram yet.
Renovations in the Real World
Every so often, I start looking at all the gorgeous RV renovation photos on Instagram and think, “we could totally do something like this. Re-paint, brighten the place up, lose all the ‘beige on beige with bits of brown’” we find so tiresome.
But then I think about what RV life actually looks like and I remember that, oftentimes, it looks like this:
This was a snapshot of our life on Day 3 of a seemingly endless span of rain, cold, and misery in South Dakota last Spring. By this point, we’d given up on even acting like we cared what our house looked like: Filthy, damp “dog towels” on the floor, rain jackets hanging from the front seat and dining room chair, a soaking wet umbrella closed up on the ground, muddy shoes on a plastic mat, and the cord from a space heater hanging from the dashboard. The truth is, when you live in less than 300 square feet of space, there is no “mud room” to deal with all of this. Hell, there’s not even a convenient place to open up an umbrella to let it dry out.
And at moments like these, I realize the reason these RVs are all beige is because no one who actually lives in an RV wants a bunch of white cabinets, light colored area rugs, and pastel colored throw pillows. What we want is beige on beige with bits of brown. It hides the dirt!!
RV Yoga
I have long been confused as to why I never see any of our campground neighbors practicing yoga on their vans because, according to Instagram, that’s what happens all. the. time.
I mean, I don’t know about you, but just the other day, I was all “Kev! Stop the motorhome right now! I must go do yoga in the middle of this road!” And he was all: “K!”
And I know what you’re thinking: “You’re just jealous cuz you could never do this pose.”
And you’re right. I could never in a million years do this pose. I would be in traction for months.
Even worse, I would be in traction ALONE for months, because Kevin would have just driven off and left me there. And really, who could blame him?
Speaking of Kevin leaving me… If we ever broke down on the side of the road and I was all “OMG honey! Let me go put on one of my fave dress and a super cute floppy hat so we can take sexy insta pics for my feed”….
he would just stare at me.
He would not agree to take my hand and run across the street in front of a tripod while dodging semis…
He wouldn’t even verbally acknowledge what I had suggested.
He would just stare at me.
Like, into my soul.
It would be SO uncomfortable.
All the world’s a marketplace
I always find it interesting to see what RVers are trying to sell through their partnerships. Sometimes the stuff makes sense – outdoor equipment, camping supplies, travel gadgets. But then there’s the random, unrelated stuff that really has no connection. And some of it kinda seems like a bad idea… Take this nice girl for instance…
Ya know what a tiny, wood paneled van full of blankets and clothing needs? Candles! And let’s not just light some candles, let’s light those candles and then balance them precariously on our knees!
I, too, fail to see how this could end badly!!
Or, there’s this girl, somehow trying to weave wearing pendants into full time travel.
Yes, wearing pendants definitely cuts down on stress and anxiety. Know what else cuts down on stress and anxiety? Putting a shirt on.
RV Necessities
On the topic of things you need, when you live in an RV, you have to possess certain items. Leveling blocks, a sewer hose, and a guitar. Always a guitar (or ukulele, whatever, same thing…)
I mean, why doesn’t anyone play the flute? If our goal is to live small, wouldn’t a tiny flute make a lot more sense than a giant guitar? Or what about a harmonica? Or a KAZOO?!?!
Just sayin…
Anyway, the good thing is if you don’t have your own guitar, you don’t even have to worry because, in Instagram-land, you can just roll up on some random dude playing in a field, throw open the back doors, and get your guitar street cred that way!
I mean, who is that guy?
Was he there first? Do they know him? They don’t even mention him in the caption, but I kinda feel like he’s an important part of the picture, no? Is he one of them or is he all: “Oh, for Christ’s sake, I hate vanlifers”?
Wait… hold on…. I just thought of something…. what if…
Well…
What if he’s just a prop? Like, what if he’s not even real? What if he’s just a two dimensional cardboard cutout staked in the ground? It kinda looks like that, right?
And if you’re thinking: “well, obviously that can’t be a cardboard cutout because these people live in a van and they obviously wouldn’t have space to carry a life-size cardboard cutout of a guy playing the guitar,” well, just read on, my friend…
RV Minimalism
Living the RV life is all about simplification, minimalism, deciding what’s really important and jettisoning the rest. When you live small, you can’t carry around all the junk you used to think was so important. What’s important is experiences, not stuff!
Unless you’re talking about a hula hoop.
There’s always room for a hula hoop.
Even better than a hula hoop? How bout a stripper pole?
Yeah.
I honestly cannot make this stuff up.
Not only are these nice ladies running around with a portable stripper pole and offering it to random strangers to practice on (cuz that’s not weird), but they bring it along to such places as Crater Lake.
They brought a stripper pole to Crater Lake.
Crater. Fricken. Lake.
I can’t. I just can’t.
Sigh…
Rooftop Views
Have you noticed anything about this post? A trend? A theme?
I mean, I could keep quizzing you, but I kinda just gave it away in the subtitle. It’s this:
According to these Instagrammers, when you live in an RV, you are always, ALWAYS hanging out on your roof.
I mean, this picture right here shows that they’re carrying chairs with them:
There are, presumably, places to sit inside their homes, and yet – they cannot wait to get on top of their RV and look thoughtfully into the distance.
I don’t get it.
Kevin and I have lived in our motorhome for over 3 years. You know how many times I’ve stood on our roof? Zero. Zilch. Nada. Not once.
There could be an entire commune of possum Meth heads living up there right now and I’d have no idea.
Speaking of Kevin and I, oh my god, you guys… I just took this photo of us and I wanted to share it with you. This is just us, the real deal, being ourselves, enjoying each other’s company and a cup of coffee on a Tuesday afternoon:
Just wanted to share some real world vibes from us real world #nomads!!!
Just kidding. Our attempts at family photographs usually involve a bit more chaos…
Anyway, in sum, while there are those who would have you believe this is all you need to live an authentic, happy, fulfilled, life on the road:
I am here to tell you that this is the true answer:
That’s right. 12 bottles of delicious wine (red, white, or rose!!) neatly contained in 3 small boxes (it’s eco-friendly!!), lightweight (comes with a handle!), leak-proof (great for travel days!), easy to store (we’re always on the move!), and producing minimal waste (so the neighbors won’t judge!)
This, my friends, is authentic #RVliving at its finest.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pour myself a large glass of wine, put on some pendants, grab my stripper pole, and head for the roof where I’ll join my possum friends as we gaze into the distance and raise a glass to 2020.
Cheers, and Happy New Year to all of you!!
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